When I was a kid, the #1 thing I looked forward to about adulthood was dating. Boyfriends. Marriage. Babies! I was a middle-schooler who loved love, especially if it was happening to me. I’d have crushes galore, shoot my shot, get brokenhearted, write a sad poem (or five) and move on.
With high school came a little bit of confidence (I got asked out for the first time ever, he brought me durian pancakes for breakfast, and then I panicked and broke up with him). But my “dream” really “came true” in college.
I met my first boyfriend on Tinder — I was 18, and he was everything I was really looking for in a man at the time. The relationship became physical very quickly, and despite my Catholic upbringing I found it impossible to set boundaries and say no when I needed to.
Deep down, I was still the little girl who was hoping for a romance that led to marriage and babies. A romance that was permanent, safe, and weathered every storm.
But that first relationship felt like a rude awakening. I learnt that sometimes boyfriends don’t mean marriage and babies. Sometimes they just mean whatever makes you or the other person “feel good” in the moment. I learnt that I was silly and naïve for thinking that our relationship would be the long-lasting kind, and that it was more appropriate to simply enjoy it while it lasted, and be unbothered when (not if) it ended.
After we broke up, I found that there was a void in my life. I decided I couldn’t deal with that void, and thus began my serial dating years. My expectations had been permanently altered by my first relationship. I learnt to treat every new encounter as if it would never last. Hope and optimism were beaten out of me, and good, wise boundaries followed close behind. Some of those relationships ended genially. Some took me months and years to recover from.
I remember thinking to myself during this time: this is what I’ve looked forward to my entire life? What a disappointment.
The radical decision to be voluntarily single… for two years
I met the Lord in 2020, and my life changed forever. My faith was stirred up within me. I began praying every day. Jesus stopped being a guy I knew of from that massive old book, and became a guy I knew personally, my brother, my father, my friend.
Immediately after my encounter with the Lord, I became convicted that I had to change something about my way of life. I quit my job and decided to switch careers. It took me some time, but I stopped texting the guys that I was still in touch with from my old life. But I felt a push within me to do more. To give up more. Somehow, somewhere, I felt like something deep down needed some serious straightening out.
That year, I went for a girls’ trip to Goa, and during one of our late-night conversations, something clicked. We were talking about women who are consecrated singles, who have decided to be dedicated to God and live a chaste life for the rest of their lives. Essentially, they are like nuns, but not nuns. As someone who had been looking forward to marriage and babies for my entire life, I found the concept strange. Why do such a thing?
“Because,” explained my friend patiently, “When God calls you to that way of life, He shows you that He is enough for you.”
Those words stirred up something in me. All my adult life, I had been pursuing relationships in the hope that I’d find the perfect one that would fill the void inside of me. They never did. Could it be that I had been looking in the wrong place? Could it be that the only person who could fill that aching, gaping void in my life… was God?
“Some women,” my friend continued, “Live with consecrated singles for a time to discern whether or not they’re called to that way of life. They take a vow to be single for a year or two while they discern.”
I could do that! was the first thought in my head. Living with consecrated singles would be difficult, but a vow to be single for a short period seemed doable. I prayed about it quietly the next day, and felt an overwhelming sense of peace. I decided that I would be single for two years, and allow Jesus to straighten out and re-order whatever had gotten messed up in my heart.
The ups and downs of a two-year dating fast
Immediately, I felt a change in how I related to men
Previously, I’d evaluate every new man I met on the basis of whether or not I could see a potential relationship with him. But now that I had decided I wasn’t going to be dating for two years, I felt a sense of freedom. I could relate to the men in my life purely, chastely, and with good intentions. Flirting was out of the window, and I could focus on getting to know them and being a good sister to them.
I had time to work on my own stuff
And boy, did I have a lot of stuff to work on! I needed to reorder my desires. I needed to learn what it meant to be modest in both thoughts and deeds. I needed to understand how to relate to my body in a way that was healthy and God-honouring. And I don’t think any of this would have been possible if I was also looking to date.
Above all, I needed to learn what it means to be a good Christian woman. After being in the world for so long, my instincts were completely warped. They needed ironing out. I’m so grateful that the Lord worked in me during this time, but it took some serious prayer, obedience, and humility. And time, which I would never have had if I was in a relationship.
I could give myself fully in service of others
The biggest joy of my life in the past year has been serving full-time with my youth group. As jobs go it doesn’t pay very well, and it’s also very time-consuming and exhausting, but I’ve grown in my relationship with God in leaps and bounds during this time, and I know for sure that youth work is what the Lord is calling me to do for the rest of my life.
That being said, full-time service is not very conducive to a relationship. It’s a demanding job and requires a lot of investment. I’m busy every weekend and (almost) every evening. So I don’t think I would have said yes to this ministry that has brought so many blessings into my life if I had also been looking for a relationship.
I learnt what dating is REALLY about
Not all of the re-ordering happened in isolation. I also got to learn from my lovely Christian friends about the right way to date. From my friend Suze, who runs a matchmaking service for Catholic disciples, I learnt what it really means to date for marriage. I learnt to stop being terrified of the M-word, because the instincts I had when I was a little girl were right after all: the purpose of dating is marriage and babies! Who woulda thunk!
I also learnt to become cognisant of what I’m looking for in a spouse, instead of just getting swept away by anyone who shows a slight interest in me. I learnt the importance of being choosy (within reason) and not budging on non-negotiables. And I learnt that love is a decision you make, and not just something you feel.
Yeah, it was lonely, and people thought I was stupid
Once, a friend was bugging me to tell her if I had someone in my life. “I’ve decided not to date for two years, actually,” I said, and she balked. Why would you do such a thing?! Don’t you know that you’re in the prime dating years of your life?? What if you meet The One during this time, and you lose your one shot at eternal happiness?!
They were all valid concerns that would have once sent me into a spiral of panic. But this time I was able to shrug and say, “I’m just going to trust God’s timing.” And strangely, enough, I really did! I had come to believe with my whole heart that He would raise up the right man for me at the right time. And even if He didn’t, I found that I wasn’t bothered, because I now knew that even the right man wouldn’t bring me eternal happiness. Only God could.
But it was also really difficult, y’all. I had crushes during these two years, and tended to feel lonely if I was surrounded by couples. I even found myself occasionally believing the lie that I was less attractive or worthy than my peers, because of my singleness.
However, I found — mostly by sharing these fears with good friends — that these were just occasions to let God into the wounds that had gathered in my heart, and allow Him to heal me there. They were growth opportunities. I learnt that my identity should rest not in my relationship status but in who I inherently am: a daughter of Jesus Christ.
All of this to say…
My dating fast has been awesome, 10/10, would highly recommend!
Please consider a dating fast if…
You’ve prayed about it and feel like this is something God is calling you to do
There are Big, Unsolved Wounds in your heart that might get in the way of a healthy, chaste, self-sacrificial relationship
You don’t fully understand or agree with the Catholic Church’s teachings on sexual morality
You feel like your relationship with God isn’t quite where you would like it to be
You keep getting into relationships because you feel lonely or inadequate as a single man/woman, or out of peer pressure
You struggle with a persistent sexual sin (like watching porn, masturbation, or promiscuity)
You aren’t 100% sure yet that God is calling you to marriage
In all things, remember that God is the author of your life, and He is always working for the good of those who love him (Romans 8:28).
All my love to you!
Your friend,
Krys
p.s. yes, the dating fast is over now. and yes, I am looking. :p