Three thoughts on dating
Perennially single Catholic young adult gives practical dating tips: what could go wrong?
Hey everyone! I wrote this newsletter a few months ago but never got around to publishing it, so here it is! Some thoughts on dating from a perennially single Catholic young adult. Have at.
My favourite Catholic apologist Trent Horn posted a video a few months ago where he talked about some advice he’d like to give young people on the topic of dating.
Dating is a topic that’s been on my mind lately, and I love Trent, so it suffices to say I watched the heck out of that video. It was magnificent and made me think about a lot of things. I thought I’d summarise my thoughts here for your benefit.
Who makes the first move?
I love Trent’s philosophy on this matter: Guys should make the first move, but girls should send the first signal.
Obviously it’s not always going to be that easy. Some women inadvertently send the wrong signals; some men are just completely oblivious. But I do agree that it’s best that the guy does the asking out.1 Which is not to say that we women have to take a back seat and never let on that we’re into them.
There are a few ways you can do that without being too flirty: laughing at his jokes, inviting him to (group) hangouts… or just straight up telling him that you enjoy spending time with him. (I can vouch for the last one working with a particularly oblivious boy.) But once you’ve dropped your fair share of signals, there’s nothing to be done but wait.
A good learning point for men here is this: learn to take a signal. Some women might not be comfortable saying “no” outright to you, but if she’s making excuses when you ask her out, then take that as a no. Now as women, we must give a clear answer when a man asks us out. But I also understand how sometimes saying “no” can be scary. So I’d say in those situations that the responsibility falls on the man to take the hint.
The “mini marriage” phenomenon
Trent also spoke about how we tend to view committed relationships as “mini-marriages”. This instantly took me back to when I was in college for my first degree, and we’d see people getting into relationships, basically move in together, play “house” together, do life together, never go anywhere unless it was together…
I’m guilty of that too; maybe not of doing those specific things, but I would definitely behave as if my relationship was a mini-marriage. The difference, of course, being that we didn’t require a divorce in order to split up. And so there would be dangerously high levels of emotional and sometimes physical intimacy, with little to no security or commitment.
That of course led to a lot of really bad breakups, causing hurts that I’m still healing from. It can be an awful, debilitating thing to give yourself so fully to another person, just to have him change his mind and end things like he was ending a phone call.
Trent’s advice in this regard is quite good: “If there is no ring, it is not a thing.” Which is to say, if you aren’t engaged, quit acting like you’re engaged. It’s a form of self-preservation, of guarding your heart against any future outcomes, and also of preserving your dignity until you’re sure he’s in it for the long run.2
The most radical opinion of all…
Trent said a lot of things that go against the mainstream understanding of dating, but I think the most controversial of them all would be this: don’t date until you’re ready for marriage.
This is something I’ve struggled with a lot in my life. I used to physically recoil when my friends would suggest I do this. “Don’t date until I’m ready for marriage? What, so I can’t date until I’m TWENTY-FIVE, MAYBE TWENTY-SEVEN?!”
I realise now how ridiculous that reaction is, and not least because there’s nothing wrong with not going on a date until you’re 27. Or even later. I’d only react that way because I never stopped and asked the question, “What is dating for?” Answering that question honestly would have inevitably led me to the conclusion that I shouldn’t date until I’m ready to be in a long-term, committed relationship that could potentially end in marriage.3
More importantly, this view of dating brought up another knee-jerk reaction in me: “But whom will I talk about all my stuff to?” You know, the stuff I’ve been carrying around since I was a kid, all my insecurities and fears, all my issues, all my feelings, all my hurts and joys? Whom do I talk to about all this stuff?
Years of reading Young Adult fiction and feeding off social media had conditioned me to believe that being in a relationship is all about telling someone all those things inside me that I’ve never told anyone else.
I’m grateful that I’ve learnt in the past few years that it’s a good and responsible thing to rely on God, your female friends, and, occasionally, on a therapist to confront all your stuff. I used to view relationships as a dumping ground for all my inner emotional turmoil, but that only led to premature emotional co-dependence, and a world of hurt.
I’m thankful for good role models
Although I’m not dating at the moment, I realised that I’ve (subconsciously) surrounded myself with young couples who have been good role models of how to date well.
For the longest time, I got not-so-good advice when it comes to dating, mostly from the people around me who were also figuring things out like me. I’m thankful now that I’m surrounded by good role models who, like me, want nothing more or less than God’s will in their lives.
In May, I got to hang out with my good friend Suzy for an entire week at her house in another city. I met Suzy when she was single and looking, and got to witness her meet and date a lovely, holy man, whom she eventually married. She’s one of my go-to’s when I need advice with my crushes and dating-adjacent questions.
If you’re looking for people who give good advice on this topic, I’d like to recommend Suzy’s page, Catholic Matchmaking on Instagram. Every single one of her posts are pitch-perfect, practical, and so useful.
That’s all for today, guys!
What’s your approach to dating? Let me know in the comments below. And as always, reply to this email if you’d like to chat.
Your friend,
Krys
I realise it might seem a little archaic to want the guy to do the asking, but I think it’s preferable for a few reasons. For one, men tend to be more involved in the relationship if the onus of asking is on them. And for another, as women, we should feel pursued in the relationship. It should feel as if our time and attention are valuable things to be asked for.
What “If there is no ring, it is not a thing” does NOT mean: that it’s OK to cheat on the guy you’re dating just because you aren’t engaged. Obviously don’t do that.
Honestly, if I’d evaluated every man I dated by the standards I’d hold my future spouse to, I wouldn’t have made half of the mistakes I did. But that’s another conversation.